A growing list of things that tried their best and still couldn't finish the job.
🦠
Necrotizing Fasciitis — Round 1
"The one that started it all"
March 2015. Flesh-eating bacteria decided Gerry looked like a good target. It was wrong. While most people would simply panic and accept fate, Gerry apparently didn't get the memo that this was supposed to be life-threatening. The bacteria has since entered therapy.
🏝️
Jamaica with Ally
"The vacation that almost wasn't"
Sun, ocean, drinks, and the kind of adventures you tell people about in very vague terms. Between the questionable activities and Ally's energy, this trip had multiple opportunities to end Gerry. Jamaica threw everything it had. Gerry came home with a tan and a story.
🖐️
The Finger Incident
"Death tries a new strategy"
When you can't take down the whole man, try taking him out one piece at a time. Death pivoted to a finger-first approach in April 2022. Gerry's finger didn't make it, but Gerry absolutely did. A partial victory for entropy, a moral victory for Gerry. He's got nine more where that came from.
🦠🦠
Necrotizing Fasciitis 2: Electric Boogaloo
"The sequel nobody asked for"
May 2022. The bacteria came back. Bold move. Unwise move. Like a movie villain who didn't learn from the first film, the flesh-eating bacteria thought a surprise sequel would work. It did not. Gerry beat it again. The bacteria's union rep has reportedly filed a grievance against Gerry's immune system.
👁️
Vitreous Hemorrhage — The Eye Saga
"If you can't beat him, blind him"
2023. Death got creative. Floaters started appearing in Gerry's vision — the kind that aren't fun party decorations. Diagnosis: vitreous hemorrhage. Treatment: needles directly into the eyeballs. Let that sink in. NEEDLES. IN THE EYES. Most people would simply pass away from hearing the treatment plan alone. Gerry showed up and let them do it. Repeatedly. Death tried to take his vision and instead got a man who now has a personal relationship with an ophthalmologist and zero fear of anything.
📊
Scary Medical Odds
"Statistics are just suggestions"
Multiple doctors, multiple prognoses, multiple times the numbers said Gerry should be worried. But Gerry doesn't read medical charts — medical charts read Gerry. When the survival probability is low, most people worry. Gerry treats it like a personal challenge.
⏰
Time Itself
"11 years and counting"
The universe has had over a decade to finish what it started. Every single day since March 2015, time has had another shot at Gerry. That's over 4,000 days of failing. At this point, time should just focus on other projects.
🪿
Geese
"The long game"
Let the record show: Gerry hates geese. And geese? They know. They've been plotting for years — honking menacingly from park ponds, blocking sidewalks with intent, maintaining eye contact for uncomfortable durations. The war continues. Neither side has blinked. (The geese literally can't.)
💀
Death
"No confirmed availability"
Death has tried showing up five separate times now. At this point, Gerry isn't even on the schedule anymore. The Grim Reaper blocked Gerry on all platforms, unfollowed him on Instagram, and reportedly told colleagues "I'm not going back there." Death now sends interns. They don't come back either.
